They tell me you can take it
that you are strong enough and that your love won’t wear out in the knees
they tell me to cast all of my cares upon you and that you are all powerful
that you know already anyways
that I am helpless to resist the monstrous love of the Lord
They tell me a lot and some of it I have found to be true
So here, then
let’s have it out
let me unload questions like shotgun shells
against your Holy Mountain
Why can I not control my own mind? Why not even that one little thing?
Why does it taunt me with thoughts I want to cast out like demons?
Why are there no demons these days
or why are there so many and why don’t we at least know how to tell the difference?
Why my mother? Why such a kind soul ground like drugs to powder?
Why electric shocks and leather straps?
Why so much medicine?
Every empty orange bottle
Why did I have to see that?
Why do my prayers against this darkness seem so powerless?
Why don’t I hear back?
Why the cavernous echo of my own pain
against the insides of your Hollow Holy Mountain?
Why my kindly grandfather transformed overnight into a beast
by his own deeds?
Why was my friend barred from ministry when his marriage failed?
is it not true that you take our failures?
Why was my friend made to feel unwelcome in your house because of his sexual orientation?
Is it not true that nothing can separate us from your love?
I don’t mean true as an idea
I mean true
I don’t mean theology – that’s what they talk about endlessly
I mean for you to fix me
I mean for you to come down here and blot them out
I mean for you to listen while I stomp my feet and cry
It seems you can take it
but you won’t come down here
not like they say
I should not have trusted them
because there is no them
There is only she and he
only one soul at a time
a set of eyes to look into over coffee
and that is hard and takes so long
I think that I’d prefer to join them
and rant myself rancid
Photo by Ian Espinosa on Unsplash