They tell me you can take it

that you are strong enough and that your love won’t wear out in the knees

they tell me to cast all of my cares upon you and that you are all powerful  

All knowing

that you know already anyways

that I am helpless to resist the monstrous love of the Lord

They tell me a lot and some of it I have found to be true  

So here, then  

let’s have it out

let me unload questions like shotgun shells

against your Holy Mountain

Why can I not control my own mind?  Why not even that one little thing?

Why does it taunt me with thoughts I want to cast out like demons?

Why are there no demons these days

or why are there so many and why don’t we at least know how to tell the difference? 

Why my mother? Why such a kind soul ground like drugs to powder?

Why electric shocks and leather straps?

Why so much medicine?

Every empty orange bottle

Why did I have to see that?

Why do my prayers against this darkness seem so powerless? 

Why don’t I hear back?

Why the cavernous echo of my own pain

against the insides of your Hollow Holy Mountain?

Why my kindly grandfather transformed overnight into a beast  

by his own deeds?

Why was my friend barred from ministry when his marriage failed? 

is it not true that you take our failures? 

Why was my friend made to feel unwelcome in your house because of his sexual orientation?

Is it not true that nothing can separate us from your love? 

I don’t mean true as an idea

I mean true

I don’t mean theology – that’s what they talk about endlessly  

I mean for you to fix me

I mean for you to come down here and blot them out

I mean for you to listen while I stomp my feet and cry

It seems you can take it

but you won’t come down here

not always  

not like they say

I should not have trusted them

because there is no them

There is only she and he

only one soul at a time  

a set of eyes to look into over coffee

and that is hard and takes so long

I think that I’d prefer to join them

and rant myself rancid

Photo by Ian Espinosa on Unsplash